Beware the Maroon Hole!

The last Saturday evening each April, they hold the White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Hinckley Hilton, which is about six blocks from my apartment in DC and eight blocks from our offices at the Capital Research Center. This year’s dinner, set for tomorrow night, could bring about the end of the world.

The dinner—known familiarly as “the annual violation of journalistic ethics that stupid people call the ‘nerd prom’”—brings together not just the dumbest people in Washington, but many of the world’s dumbest. On the Kelvin scale, their average IQ approaches zero.

My concern relates to the phenomenon known as a “moron hole,” or, as it was dubbed by the esteemed Mel Blanc, a “maroon hole.”

A maroon hole is a region in the collective consciousness of the universe so lacking in intelligence that it creates an irresistible pull on any intelligence around it. No thought or other evidence of sentience can escape a maroon hole.

The region from which no escape is possible has a boundary that experts call the MSNBC-Weeknights-at-9 Horizon. At that boundary and within, no brainpower gets out.

A maroon hole emits no light of inspiration, so its existence must be inferred. Because it sucks all the intellect out of the area around itself, it can be observed indirectly through, for example, the existence of the bottled water industry and the history of the Academy Award for Best Documentary.

According to the clear consensus of the world’s metaphysicians, the correspondents’ dinner represents a threat because the presence of so many stupid people at the same time in the same place could reach the critical level of doltishness necessary to form a maroon hole. And a maroon hole of sufficient power and notoriety, sucking intelligence from the surrounding area, gaining airheadedness inexorably, might absorb all the smarts in existence. The universe would enter a Diane Sawyer-like state from which it might never emerge.

Indeed, such a catastrophe was narrowly averted last year. When President Obama cited the latest drought in California as proof of “climate change,” dimwittedness in the Hilton ballroom hit such a level that it began to siphon intellectual capacity from outside the room. Waiters elsewhere in the hotel began forgetting to pick up their tips.

Fortunately, it was at that moment that three celebrities returned from bathroom breaks, instantly raising the average intelligence and averting disaster. The formation of a maroon hole was staved off, and the universe may have been saved, by the presence of Crystal the Capuchin monkey, star of The Hangover: Part II, who was the guest of The Washington Times, and prominent Washington cockroaches Klxchrpppt and Shikkakkx, who crashed the event to promote their new reality show.

Could a catastrophe occur Saturday night?

Have you seen the list of attendees??

Nothing can protect you from a maroon hole of sufficient size, but it’s possible to survive a small one if you’re lucky and protect yourself, even if, like me, you’re just a few blocks away when they gather at the Hilton for the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

If you ever wondered why I wear a tinfoil helmet on the last Saturday evening of April—well, the reason is: “Just in case.”

 

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